Letting Go

           How difficult it is for many persons to let go of things, animate or inanimate, that have become obstacles in their path.  There is a tendency to form attachments to objects or persons that we consider to be indispensable, that we think we cannot live without.  Sometimes we can’t even let go of painful, destructive memories of those persons or things that no longer are part of our lives. 

          Do we hold on because we fear the unknown that lies ahead?  Does familiarity comfort us, even if it is destructive?  Letting go requires us to be strong and capable to face the changes that are continually unfolding as we walk the walk of life.  Letting go of those things that hold us back grants us the freedom we need to go forward.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care.  Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves.  And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.

Melody Beattie

 

          What is holding you back?  A relationship gone bad?  A dream unrealized?  A house you loved and lost?  A trip you could not afford? The loss of a loved one?  According to Dr. William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, we “are driven by five genetic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun” (335).  The way I see it, if I cannot let go of those things, situations, memories or people that cause me not to have freedom, I will not have the power to survive, to love and be loved, to feel that I belong, and much less to enjoy my present life. 

       Letting go is painful, I am a testimony to that.  But in order to survive and thrive in life, we need to learn how to let go.  We cannot erase our negative life experiences, but we can learn from them and then put them to rest; that is what letting go means to me.  At a certain point, we need to make a conscious decision not to allow those experiences to interfere with our present life and we go on to forge new memories and dream new dreams. We need to dare let go.

DARE

Letting go of the past

is a brave, solitary act

because at times painful memories

seem to validate our present existence;

they keep us fearing, hating, sighing,

                                                 ...crying.

Letting go of unfulfilled dreams

is as agonizing as unfulfillment itself,

for we seem to believe that by holding on,

our hurt will somehow be alleviated.

Letting go of stifling lives,

commitments no one seems to value,

that cause fatigue

and turn out empty,

may seem like an assault on domesticity.

Letting go of burdens so heavy

they make us weak, make us question

our intellect, our intuition, or

cause inertia, even humiliation,

is so confounding.

Dare we let go and make room

for new dreams, new lives?

Dare we let go and free that entrapped spirit

that desires to soar higher and higher?

Dare we let go and forge new memories?

Dare we?

                                                We must...

                                                                   we must let go...

                                                                                       just let go!

           

Women, Yesterday and Today

               

      Over the ages, women have been pigeonholed as the weaker gender that needs to be protected and therefore should willingly and quietly submit to the stronger gender, man.  This image has been perpetuated through all types of literature, laws, media, and even by women themselves.  Perhaps one aspect of this issue that is yet to be resolved is how we define strength.

          To be strong means to be able to withstand and overcome all the predicaments and frustrations that life throws in our path.  To be strong is to be courageous and go forward in spite of hostility or intimidation.  To be strong is to not allow misguided or unfounded judgments dictate our decisions or behavior.  To be strong is to not conform and accept the myth of women as weak and powerless human beings. 

In spite of the traditional negative portrayal of women, it is also evident through many studies, newspaper articles, biographies, documentaries, and other sources that women have prevailed throughout time and history.  This tells us that we need to know that to be strong does not mean muscles, power, violence, fear or intimidation.  Mahatma Gandhi declares:

          “To call woman the weaker sex is a libel; it is a man’s injustice to woman.  If by strength is meant brute strength, then, indeed, is woman less brute than man. If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man’s superior.  Has she not greater intuition, is she not more self-sacrificing, has she not greater courage?  Without her man could not be.  If non-violence is the law of our being, the future is with woman...”

          What is it that women want?  I believe we want to be respected and recognized as intelligent and multi-dimensional persons who have the right to decide what is best for our own lives.  If we want to be wives and mothers, that should be respected. If we want to remain single, that should be respected. If we want to be professionals who contribute to the development of society, that should be respected.  If we want to be wives, mothers, and professionals, that too should be respected.  However, before we demand respect from others, we have to respect ourselves. Even though we have come a long way, we are not there yet.

          The following poem is a tribute to my counterparts past and present.

   IMMORTAL WOMAN

Ever since prehistoric times

Woman has been dragged, pushed, pulled,

belittled, enslaved, raped, disregarded, & discarded;

her wild seed trampled.

Neither time nor history has changed woman's

destiny.

Receiver of seeds, willingly or unwillingly,

procreator of sons,

keeper of unnatural rhythms.

Ever since prehistoric times

Woman has struggled, resisted, defied, deserted,

endured, & transcended;

blossomed wildly, unexpectedly.

Strong woman has barely modified

time & history,

destiny & unnatural laws.

Ever since prehistoric times

Woman is receiver of instinctual wisdom,

compassionate giver of self,

mirror of daughters,

guardian of boundaries,

cautiously, intensely.

Ever since prehistoric times

Woman is sagacious & steadfast,

maiden, mother, grandmother,

Matriarch, wise & empowered Crone,

No matter destiny,

No matter history,

No matter time & laws,

No matter the predators!

RAINY DAY

Most persons do spring cleaning to rid their homes of dust that has accumulated in places hidden from the naked eye. Some go into a cleaning frenzy and take down heavy winter drapes and put up billowy curtains that allow the sun to shine through; or they change dark bedspreads for lighter colored ones that evoke white sands or calm ocean waters. We even move furniture around because we are impelled to create a different space.  Still others try hard to unclutter closets by getting rid of clothing and shoes they no longer wear to make space for new pieces.

Maybe we could do the same spring cleaning for our minds and spirits, that is, get rid of those memories of disappointments, anger, or disagreements with those who are a part of our daily lives whether they are family, friends, or co-workers.  Those negative events create darkness and clutter in our spirits, they weigh us down.  We need to decide what can be polished and made new, and what needs to be discarded.  It sounds easy on paper, in practice it is very difficult; I know by experience.  But we can try, and try again and again till we succeed and are able to purge that which holds us back from enjoying our lives.

This idea of spiritual cleansing and renewal brings to mind an experience I had one day on my way to work. It was raining copiously; traffic was slower than usual because of some flooded areas and a few malfunctioning traffic lights.  While inching my way from Guaynabo to Bayamón, I had the opportunity to observe how the rain rushed down the city streets and carried with it all sorts of debris; then I saw how the rushing water suddenly looked so clean, almost pure.  I gazed at the windshield and how the wipers pushed the excess rainwater in rhythmic motion from side to side so I could clearly see the road.  I was surprised that instead of being upset at how slow the cars were moving, I reflected on the effects of the rain all around me and then the idea for the following poem came to mind.  I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

                                          RAIN

                                      Morning rises on cloudy skies,

                                      Rain falls ..... falls.... falls,

                                      flows freely,

                                      cleansing, purifying,

                                      washing away unwanted decay,

                                      washing away rootless impurities.

                                      Lluvia cae ... cae....cae....

                                      pours on dry, parched ground,

                                      fortifying,

                                      impelling creative forces,

                                      vital forces.

                                      Rain falls...falls...falls...

                                      into my soul;

                                      nostalgia surfaces,

                                      memories of bygone loves,

                                      regrets & sorrows,

                                      unspoken words

                                                    well up &

                                                                   f l o w   a w a y.

                                      Rain...rain...rain

                                      fall into my life,

                                      wash away my indifference,

                                      wash away my angers,

                                      wash away my fears.

                                      Lluvia suave, lluvia fresca,

                                      fall...fall...fall....

                                      into my soul,

                                      permeate the obscure,

                                      purge,

help me rise

                                      to face my destiny.

                                                                  

lluvia = rain

cae     = fall

suave  = soft

fresca  = fresh

I Am Strong

    Liz Murray was just a pre-school child when she and her older sister, Lisa, realized that both their parents were habitual cocaine users.  The family lived in the Bronx, NY in deplorable conditions of filth and hunger; the welfare check first paid for drugs and whatever remained (at times only $30) was for food and other necessities. What is surprising is that in spite of this toxic environment, Liz Murray was not only able to graduate from high school, but went on to win a scholarship to study at one of the most prestigious universities in the USA, Harvard. 

This young woman’s story of triumph became a Lifetime channel movie that was released in 2003 (From Homeless to Harvard) and in 2010 Ms. Murray wrote her memoir, Breaking Night, that details the events of her and her sister’s lives and how they both survived and became valuable members of the community. I have not read the book yet (only the Prologue) but have viewed the movie more than once; it is a mesmerizing story that evokes feelings of sadness, anger, and disbelief that ends with hope and inspiration.  When thinking about how most researchers claim that resilience is an essential characteristic that may be improved upon when we have a positive family environment, our spiritual needs are met, and we have a community that supports and encourages us, my question is: How can the Liz Murray case be explained?

In an article by Steven J. Condly of the University of Central Florida, Resilience in Children: A Review of the Literature with Implications for Education (2006), he states that hardship affects people differently and that not everyone is consumed by it; that some people are able to move forward and have the capacity to lead lives that are rewarding and inspiring.  These persons “do not seem embittered, angry, depressed, or otherwise incapacitated” (212).  The example that Condly provides is Elie Wiesel who survived the German concentration camps of Auschwitz, Buna, Buchenwald, and Gleiwitz, and then went on to become a Nobel Peace Prize winner.  Condly cites research that evidences that poverty breeds crime, lack of opportunity, violence and more.  Usually, the children who come from poverty stricken communities do not do well in school and are likely to be hooligans (212).  Notwithstanding, there are children who emerge from such negative environments not just as survivors, but as persons who prosper in life and become highly regarded members of society. Most researchers will agree that this is due to “an interaction between their genetic makeup and the kind of support they receive” (216).  Interestingly, the characteristics found in most of the children who fit this description are those of above average intelligence and an easy temperament.  Children who have a notable cognitive ability are able to understand what is happening, what is controllable and what is not which in turn leads to coping and selecting environments that are more supportive.  In addition, because of these innate abilities, the children will not feel sorry for themselves and will persist in their quest to survive. 

 I observed in the Liz Murray movie that each time she was going through a particularly difficult moment with her mother or father, her mind went back to when she was a child and her mother was demonstrating through different endearing actions how much she loved her daughter.  Ms. Murray also had a deep emotional connection with her father who was the person who taught her a love for reading and the acquisition of knowledge.  In the Prologue of her book Liz Murray starts by mentioning that she only has one picture of her mother and that she searches for similarities between her mother and herself.  She even declares that she is not as pretty as her mother was at her age.  There is no anger or resentment in those words. Researchers claim that even though the parents may be a source of stress (in this case drug addiction and neglect), a warm relationship with the parents offers the children protection against stress.  A resilient child (remember highly intelligent and easy temperament), has the ability to separate problem behavior from genuine feelings and manifestations of love.  Ms. Murray manifested her intellectual capacity in different ways.  She hardly attended school because of her home situation but would show up when final exams were offered and always passed.  She dropped out of school and returned to high school after her mother's death.  In two years she completed all the high school requirements and graduated.  She competed for a scholarship to attend Harvard offered by The New York Times and was successful.  Obviously Ms. Murray is a person of above average intelligence. In an interview with Bruce Frankel and Bill Hewitt from People Magazine, Ms. Murray states, "I felt all this potential bubbling up inside of me that I wasn't putting to use. I knew I wanted to go back to school."  Ms. Murray is an exceptional example of how high intelligence and easy temperament are essential components of resilience.

            Of course, researchers do not all agree on the importance of genetics insofar as resilience is concerned, that is, on how much one’s genotype contributes and how much the environment contributes. However, it is my personal conviction that genetics is a very significant contributor.  I can assuredly say that family interaction, spirituality, community support, genetics and personality all interact and contribute to our resilience.  I also believe that our resilience continues to develop throughout our lives as we face and resolve the difficulties or afflictions we encounter every day.

"I am strong because I am weak. I am beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a lover because I am a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish.  I can laugh because I have known sadness. "

Author unknown.

Works Cited

Condly, Steven J. “Resilience in Children: A Review of Literature with Implications for

          Education.” Urban Education 41.3 (May 2006).  Web. 20 Mar. 2012.

“Homeless to Harvard: The Liz Murray Story.” Lifetime Original Movie. Lifetime

         Channel, 1 Jan. 2003.

Murray, Liz.  “Breaking Night: A Memoir of Forgiveness, Survival, and My Journey

        from Homeless to Harvard."  New York: Hyperion, 2010.