Life Does Not Stop for You

The pain of breaking up happens to most women and at times some cannot or do not want to understand or accept the full meaning of such a crisis.  The dissolution of their relationship with a male partner, be it marriage, cohabitation, or a romantic involvement, causes them to go into a downward spiral that results in self-doubt and depression.  So many times throughout my life I listened to female acquaintances discuss this situation during coffee breaks or in powder rooms. I witnessed how the end of a romantic relationship caused them to become miserable, sorrowful women who were not willing to find a way out of that momentary darkness that enveloped them. They acted like life had ended.

There is no denying, and research confirms the fact, that breakups are hard to bear emotionally.  It doesn’t matter how strong or independent a woman may have been before the breakup, she will go through an identity crisis and this may in turn lead to emotional distress (Slotter, et al).  It is important to know that a woman cannot remain in that initial stage of grief and despair, she needs to move on into a healing process.  It is not easy, it is a difficult task, but it can be accomplished.

I watched an interview this past weekend with Dr. Santiago Rojas from the South American country of Colombia on a channel called Caracol.  Dr. Rojas has written various books about self-help in different situations that affect us all and cause physical and emotional illnesses or moments of crisis.  In his latest book about breaking up (Alíviate el Corazón Roto y Descubre Como Encontrar un Nuevo Equilibrio), he states that we need to allow both our cognitive and emotional abilities enter into the healing process, it is not the heart alone (emotions) that plays an important role.  Dr. Rojas was emphatic about the importance of the mind in this process. He claims that once two persons have broken up, they need to accept the reality of the situation, suffer and grieve, but then move on and not go back.  Life does not end because a romantic relationship ends, yet he understands that we need time for healing.  A valuable component of the process is to learn how to do different things that will help, like meeting new people.  It is necessary to surround ourselves with persons who will listen to us and not judge. Not only that, we also need friends who will support and energize us rather than pull us down and deplete what little energy we may have at that time. Most articles I read on this topic agreed that it is essential that we explore new interests like taking painting classes, going to a gym, taking non-credit courses or even obtaining a degree.  Finally, we need to strengthen our spirituality through prayer and meditation or meeting with those who can help us grow and become stronger in spirit.  In keeping with what Dr. Rojas recommends, we need to find a new equilibrium in our lives.

A significant aspect of this breakup crisis is that we cannot remain in the woe-is-me mode; we need to pick up the broken pieces, put them back together in a new, creative and exciting way, and move on.  Remember, life does not stop for you; it continues going forward and will leave you behind in your misery if that is what you choose.

The following poem tells the story of a woman who suffered a breakup with her significant other.  She cried and grieved and thought she would die, but in the end she decided to go on with her life.  Read and find out what happened.

PHONE CALL

The phone rang insistently.

She answered.

A voice from the past resonated

and ruptured her peace.

Forgive me,

he begged.

I was confused,

Didn’t know what I was saying,

Didn’t mean to hurt you,

Please,

Take me back,

I need you,

I need your comfort.

Confused?

Didn’t now what you were saying?

You seemed so sure,

so adamant.

Your words whipped me.

Every fiber of my body was hurting;

My spirit mourned the deadly blows

for days and months.

Forgive me,

He cried out again.

I discovered I still love you.

I was blinded momentarily,

Foolishly trying to regain youth,

Not valuing our love.

I need you.

I need your knowing ways.

My knowing ways?

You forced me to learn about loneliness,

You forced me to learn that love dies,

You forced me to learn that life continues.

So, I learned.

I learned to heal my wounds,

I learned to live for myself,

I even learned to laugh & love again.

Forgive you?

I forgave you that day I looked into the mirror

and discovered a different woman.

She’s vibrant,

She’s happy,

She’s strong.

That woman found a new path,

She doesn’t need you to define her anymore.

Ciao, she whispered softly,

and placed the phone back in its cradle.

           

Slotter et. al. “Who Am I Without You? The Influence of Romantic Breakup on    

                The Self-Concept.”  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2010, 36 (2):

                147.

Looking Good, Feeling Better

Most magazines geared towards women will have titles on the front cover that address physical aspects.  That is, how to feel and look better by losing weight (even while you sleep), dressing like a professional, eating anti-aging foods so we can look at least seven years younger, so forth and so on.  Not to mention all the television reality shows and talk shows that find it a need to tell us that we absolutely must improve our appearance.

            I don’t know if this is a worldwide trend but I do know that in the USA there is an obsession with not looking our age at whatever cost.  I don’t advocate that we not care for our appearance because we need to do it for the sake of our own self-esteem.  What I am protesting is that most of the time women are the focus of mass media ads and programs that stress the importance of outward appearance.  How about balancing this a bit with hot articles on what we can do to improve our brain power or our spirituality?  There is a joke that has been making the rounds on the Internet about the girl who has no wrinkles on her face, no love handles, big boobs,  perfect skin and haircut, but when she opens her mouth she has absolutely nothing to say!  Duhhh!! It may be funny, but the scary thought is that we actually do have some walking around at this very moment.

            Like I said before, I am not advocating we should be at home or go out looking like we just fell out of bed.  Yes we do need to take care of our appearance whether we are professionals going to work, stay at home moms, or retirees.  No matter what we do or what time of the day it is, we can be neatly dressed, hair combed, nails clean, etc.  We do not need to obsess about the fact that we now wear a size 16 instead of a 10, or that we are twenty pounds heavier than way back when we were eighteen, or that we have a wrinkle or two or three; hey, that comes with something that is called aging.  There’s another truth that we need to factor in and it is called genetics.  Before we go stir crazy about our looks, study your family and understand what part of your body is purely a genetic reality.

I challenge you to ignore those magic formulas that usually make promises that are false and frustrating. What is important is that we are happy with who we are and that we lead lives that are balanced; an added bonus would be that we surround ourselves with people who lead balanced lives.  A manicure and pedicure once a month are great, if you enjoy them; a haircut and styling are also good, as are moisturizers and body lotions.  However, it is equally vital that we are up-to-date on local and world news, pick up a book once in a while and read, watch educational television programs, and have thought provoking conversations with our partner and friends.  In addition, let’s not forget to nurture our spirituality, whether by going to church, reading the bible or daily devotionals, praying, and reading books by women and men who are bona fide scholars in the spiritual topic at hand.  All of these activities are consequential in our lives.  Let’s not lead lopsided lives.  Let’s be at peace with ourselves. 

SUPERMARKET ENCOUNTER

As I hurry up and down the supermarket aisle,

I check my list, then my watch,

Move, people, move!

I have papers to correct, dinner to cook,

clothes to wash!

Hurry, hurry, hurry,

No time to lose!

Finally I speed around the corner

of that remote last aisle.

My eyes dart, fix and stare,

My wingéd feet vacillate,

I come to a complete stop.

It's the magazine rack!

No! No! No! Don't stop!

Remember…things to do,

No time to lose!

Lose?  Ahhhh!

"Lose Those Extra Pounds!"

"35 Secret Fat Burners"

"Chocolate Pie Without the Guilt!"

"Look 5 Years Younger!"

"How Strong is Your Love?"

A voice deep down inside me screams,

"Run!  Run!  Run!

Remember, no time to lose!"

Another voice rebukes,

"Ah, go ahead…take a look!

Whadda ya' have to lose?"

Guiltily I succumb and skim some pages,

Hopefully…skeptically…cynically.

Promises, promises, promises.

Pounds to lose, youth to gain,

Fires to light!

Help!  I am lost!

As I shove my cart toward the checkout line

I mumble and grumble all the way.

Hrumph!

Young vs. mature

Svelte vs. chunky

Sexy vs. nurturing,

The battle is raging

In this image crazed world!

Age, weight, sags, libido…

When can I let go?

When can I be ME?

Damn, I should've just skipped

That treacherous last aisle!