Life Does Not Stop for You

The pain of breaking up happens to most women and at times some cannot or do not want to understand or accept the full meaning of such a crisis.  The dissolution of their relationship with a male partner, be it marriage, cohabitation, or a romantic involvement, causes them to go into a downward spiral that results in self-doubt and depression.  So many times throughout my life I listened to female acquaintances discuss this situation during coffee breaks or in powder rooms. I witnessed how the end of a romantic relationship caused them to become miserable, sorrowful women who were not willing to find a way out of that momentary darkness that enveloped them. They acted like life had ended.

There is no denying, and research confirms the fact, that breakups are hard to bear emotionally.  It doesn’t matter how strong or independent a woman may have been before the breakup, she will go through an identity crisis and this may in turn lead to emotional distress (Slotter, et al).  It is important to know that a woman cannot remain in that initial stage of grief and despair, she needs to move on into a healing process.  It is not easy, it is a difficult task, but it can be accomplished.

I watched an interview this past weekend with Dr. Santiago Rojas from the South American country of Colombia on a channel called Caracol.  Dr. Rojas has written various books about self-help in different situations that affect us all and cause physical and emotional illnesses or moments of crisis.  In his latest book about breaking up (Alíviate el Corazón Roto y Descubre Como Encontrar un Nuevo Equilibrio), he states that we need to allow both our cognitive and emotional abilities enter into the healing process, it is not the heart alone (emotions) that plays an important role.  Dr. Rojas was emphatic about the importance of the mind in this process. He claims that once two persons have broken up, they need to accept the reality of the situation, suffer and grieve, but then move on and not go back.  Life does not end because a romantic relationship ends, yet he understands that we need time for healing.  A valuable component of the process is to learn how to do different things that will help, like meeting new people.  It is necessary to surround ourselves with persons who will listen to us and not judge. Not only that, we also need friends who will support and energize us rather than pull us down and deplete what little energy we may have at that time. Most articles I read on this topic agreed that it is essential that we explore new interests like taking painting classes, going to a gym, taking non-credit courses or even obtaining a degree.  Finally, we need to strengthen our spirituality through prayer and meditation or meeting with those who can help us grow and become stronger in spirit.  In keeping with what Dr. Rojas recommends, we need to find a new equilibrium in our lives.

A significant aspect of this breakup crisis is that we cannot remain in the woe-is-me mode; we need to pick up the broken pieces, put them back together in a new, creative and exciting way, and move on.  Remember, life does not stop for you; it continues going forward and will leave you behind in your misery if that is what you choose.

The following poem tells the story of a woman who suffered a breakup with her significant other.  She cried and grieved and thought she would die, but in the end she decided to go on with her life.  Read and find out what happened.

PHONE CALL

The phone rang insistently.

She answered.

A voice from the past resonated

and ruptured her peace.

Forgive me,

he begged.

I was confused,

Didn’t know what I was saying,

Didn’t mean to hurt you,

Please,

Take me back,

I need you,

I need your comfort.

Confused?

Didn’t now what you were saying?

You seemed so sure,

so adamant.

Your words whipped me.

Every fiber of my body was hurting;

My spirit mourned the deadly blows

for days and months.

Forgive me,

He cried out again.

I discovered I still love you.

I was blinded momentarily,

Foolishly trying to regain youth,

Not valuing our love.

I need you.

I need your knowing ways.

My knowing ways?

You forced me to learn about loneliness,

You forced me to learn that love dies,

You forced me to learn that life continues.

So, I learned.

I learned to heal my wounds,

I learned to live for myself,

I even learned to laugh & love again.

Forgive you?

I forgave you that day I looked into the mirror

and discovered a different woman.

She’s vibrant,

She’s happy,

She’s strong.

That woman found a new path,

She doesn’t need you to define her anymore.

Ciao, she whispered softly,

and placed the phone back in its cradle.

           

Slotter et. al. “Who Am I Without You? The Influence of Romantic Breakup on    

                The Self-Concept.”  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2010, 36 (2):

                147.